Smart Girl, Smart Porn

Random ramblings on sex, politics, and the crazy mishaps that always seem to come my way. Oh baby oh baby.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Love is an endless whirlpool. It Sucks.

What do you do when you realize you still love someone despite all of the stupid things they have done to you?

I made a mistake over the winter break. I was desperate to see friends and escape the confinement of my house. After the constant snow storms and being snowed in with my mother, I needed to get away. It was New Years Eve and the only person I could go hang out with was Jordan, the old boyfriend. *NOT the firefighter, but my High School Sweetheart*

Having recently moved into an apartment with two other guys, Jordan was more laid back... more than I had seem him since we started college. He was more of the guy that I dated years ago. Well, after a few shots and annoyances in the form of High School students, we ended up locked in his room alone. I'm guessing that from reading this, it seems obvious what was to come, but I had spent the past 7 months convincing myself this guy had no feelings for me left anywhere in his heart. I didn't even acknowledge the mere possibility of something happening.

I was wrong. Responding with a nervous breakdown, I heard the words I never thought I'd hear. He was sorry, he didn't know why he did it, yadda yadda yadda, he wanted me. Nothing more than locking lips happened that night. Key word: that.

Now we're on good terms, having conversations on a nightly basis. Things feel like they did years ago. Things feel right. I have that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to giggle and skip around. I want to fucking shoot myself. I don't want this, and I definitely don't need this.

I've given up on love, and I just don't want to give it another run. Not yet. Not now.

And all I can think is that love is an endless whirlpool. You spin around and around.... you eventually get back to where you once were, but things are a little different and they just keep on spinning. Eventually it gets to be too much and you are completely sucked in. What happens then, I have no idea... can't say I've ever been on the other side of a drain. Maybe one day. Until then, I think I'll attempt to paddle in the opposite direction.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Karma's a bitch, but so are paybacks... Care to Contribute?

Once upon a time (i.e. a couple of months ago) an emotional wreck (me) met what turned out to be an emotional roller coaster creating psychopath. Hilarity ensued.

I'm a bit torn right now. The Pathological Liar has indeed replaced me. I'm not sure whether to feel sad that a completely sketchy sociopath was able to find a girlfriend quicker than I could find a decent relationship, or to just laugh my ass off and pray for the poor soul he's after next.

I'm leaning more towards the latter. While I may not have the Sex God that I long for to sweep me off my feet and whisper sweet somethings (screw sweet nothings!!) into my ear and all that jazz, I'm realizing that I am not ready for another serious relationship right now. It's a matter of figuring myself out right now, and luckily I have a great friend who is lending me a hand in the effort. Haha, a hand... wink wink nudge nudge. Damn it, I'm a horrible person.

ANYWHO... My question is this: How do I give the crazy sketchy guy back the sentimental item he gave me as he professed his undying love for me? There's no way I want to keep it (unless as a reminder to watch out for those crazy shits out there), but am not sure how to give it back. That's where I need help.

Keep in mind...
1) I do not want to see this guy face to face.
2) He knows where I live, work, go to school, etc.
3) He's crazy (he lied about having pancreatic cancer in order to try to rope me down for crying out loud, among many other things).
4) I want to make a point. And finally,
5) I do not want to die.

What oh what shall I do?? HELP ME!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Boots are made for walking, and my mouth is made for talking.

Be forewarned: I'm taking it all back.

Back in high school, you might say I was a force to reckon with. I didn't take people's shit, and would quickly chime in on any topic with some witty comment or my fiery opinion. I wasn't a bitch, but I had the potential. And the potential to go places, too. Something happened between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college, and that spark that made me me is gone. It's still there, deep down, but really it's dwindling. But basically, my voice is gone. Like the wind. (Whoosh)

I no longer talk in classes; I hardly voice my extremely elaborate opinions on the world of politics. But the worst thing? The guys. I no longer can dismiss a jackass with the skillful slap across the face. I no longer will fight back to the cocky guy with a clever comeback or an unexpected cup of water in his face. I just sit there and take it... like Gandhi. Gandhi took abuse without fighting back, and look where that got him. That's right... he's dead. (That might be because of old age, but who knows)

Really though, I have lost my sense of self, and it has taken far too long for me to actually listen to a couple of wise friends who insist that I'm too harsh on myself and need to shape up. Despite what exactly made me lose myself over the past two(ish) years... despite that I may all of a sudden come off as somewhat a bitch... despite that I have no idea how my friends will take this potentially radical change of heart...

No matter, I'm taking my voice back and that's final. These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. You say "C is for cookie", well guess what? That's no longer good enough for me. So watch your step or sit down. No more Miss Push Over.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

My renewed faith in men, thanks to frat guys?

It's Sunday night and I'm not sure whether to laugh hysterically or be entirely sketched out about my weekend. In actuality, everything in question went down on Friday... It was a rather simple night, but we all know how those kinds of nights can turn out to be the most eventful.

Having been invited to a kegger in honor of a recently departed Fraternity on campus, I threw aside drinking in the dorms to go spread my wings off campus. The night started out with pre-funking to various mixed drinks while watching the Evil Dead (I had made quite the impression on the group previously while playing Dead Rising last weekend), and then progressed to piling into a car and heading over to the actual party.

The party was cool; a lot of the guys were actually from a frat up in Portland who knew the hostess. I can't say I had much interaction with them besides talking to a couple of them until the after party. Back to where I started except with more booze in my system and a few other things I really shouldn't have been playing around with. That's when it got hazy and I curled into the fetal position to slowly drift towards sleepy goodness.

I don't know what happened then seeing that I was asleep. All I remember is making noises while someone next to me laughed like a goon and made noises back. Slowly drifting back into consciousness, I started to realize that I have no idea who this guy is and that his hand is on my hip. I look up to find the worried eyes of my pre-funking buddy, mouth "what the hell is going on?" and start giggling uncontrollably. About this time, the Portland guys are sketched out by their buddy's actions so much they start to try to pry him off me and up to go home. Putting up quite the fight, they finally drag him out the door, while I sit there, still curled up, laughing. Various guys run back in and apologize, run out, and then they're gone.

I laugh.

My buddy apologizes.

I laugh some more.

Another friend comes down and asks what the hell happened.

I keep on laughing. Eventually I go to bed, and it's all history from there.

Really, I was not too sketched out, and find it hilarious because I just found out that the guy got kicked out of his Frat for sketching out everyone else who saw what happened. That, and apparently when they got him back to Portland he freaked and tried to kill someone. Funny how things happen sometimes!

Popped collars and all, I have quite a lot of gained respect for those frat guys who stood up for me. So thank you guys, I never thought I'd be saved from a sketchy situation with a frat guy by extremely sketched out frat guys. You have renewed my faith in men, so kudos to you.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Hope for us yet? Or is it just the mass amount of Red Bull?

Interesting week so far...

Started off with the word that Saddam gets to participate in a good ol' fashioned hanging. Yeehaw! Sadly for him, he's on the wrong side of the rope. I'm more a fan of the firing squad, but hell, cruel, slow, and painful death sentences really get the point across no matter how you do it. die... :( (Now if only you could hear that depressing Hulk piano song that's playing in my head while I say this)

Midterm Elections and a sad cry of utter failure from the Republican Party. So guys, lets recap what happened... For all of you anti-terror gunners out there, watch out - Minnesota elected Keith Ellison, the first Muslim in Congress, and I really doubt he's going to blow the place up... I'm a bit worried for him frankly; can you imagine the security measures the poor guy is going to have to face every day to get to work?

Another first... First female speaker of the house goes to Nancy Polesi. My advice for the President? Stock up on some fine wine and chocolate, I'm pretty sure she's not going to settle for this lame "olive branch" you're throwing out there. Come on, lord knows how much money you're buddy Cheney has made off all of your shenanigans... the least you can do is put a little effort into starting your relationship on the right foot. Might as well work on that stamina of yours, it looks like she has a lot planned for the first 100 hours... oh boy!

What else... oh, well no Democrat incumbents lost their seats, that's pretty impressive... Dems picked up the House, and I guess we saw that one coming... and wait, what? Could it be? :insert dramatic gasp here: Is that the Senate I see? Pretty close call, but it looks as if it’s the Democrats' ball now. But Virginia... you've got to be kidding me, did half of you actually fall for that "Oh, I made up that word" bullshit? Seriously, that guy shouldn't have lost by a couple of thousand votes... I'd shake my head in disapproval at you, but you still pulled it off in the end.

So now it’s no longer springtime for Georgey and America... And the fact sweet little Rumsfeld stepped down? Jeezers! Is this possible for one day? I'm actually a bit worried about all of this... too good to be true, and it’s just a matter of time before shit hits the fan.

And on a completely random note: Red Bull does not give you wings. However, after consuming four of them within half an hour... I honestly don't know. Thanks for the brilliant idea Dave... I'll get you next time.

Blame the Puppy Dog Syndrome...

So I'm pretty upset right now. Pleased about the election results and a few other things going on, but we'll attack those later...

I've come to the conclusion that FF is a pathological liar. When someone's stories just don't add up and you get to the point where you're thinking "No flippin' way, I can't believe this guys luck is THAT bad" and then it hits you... yeah, there really is no way.

I have an issue when it comes to picking boyfriends. For one, it seems that I just draw in the crazies and the assholes. A lot of girls have this issue, but there's something wrong with me to the point where I feel bad for these guys, and take them in. Puppy dog syndrome. Hell, this is something that dates back to Elementary school when I would befriend some of the most sketchy and pathetic 1st graders around (granted you can be sketchy at that age).

The latest one, FF (a.k.a. Fire Fighter, the one who has cancer), is now driving me insane. It's completely over between us, and it’s not something I regret because yeah, he was sketching the hell out of me. After not talking to him for a while, he starts trying to talk to me today... and of course, there's another unbelievable story.

So he was playing football, getting ready for semi pro this year, went for an interception and went down wrong, tore his patella and "some major legaments I can't spell" (like you can spell anything to begin with, buddy) and now he can't walk at all or move his leg from the knee down.

Mind you, he's doing this with pancreatic cancer and less than two years to live.

Sure, having a time limit on your life means you want to fit in everything you can before you check out, but honestly... this is shortly after he tried to convince me he was the one who had to notify his friend's wife that her husband had died in Iraq... last time I checked, that's not how it works. And furthermore, I don't have any more benefit of the doubts to hand out for the next few months.

But I'm done. No more falling for this puppy dog bullshit, I'm raising my standards. They won't be as tough as a U.S. Citizenship test or anything, but damn it, it shouldn't be a freaking walk in the park!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

What the hell...Unfriended?

As I sit here on this shuttle bus back to Salem, trying to hold down my lunch, I’m wondering what the hell happened.

The firefighter and I are no more. For once, I was actually the dumper. When I got home Wednesday night (after one hell of an experience at PDX), one of the first things out of my mother’s mouth was concerning FF and all of his “red flags”. Apparently, being the gossiping elementary school teacher she is, my mother went to everyone telling them all about FF. And, according to her, everyone was freaking out and worried about me.

Now, to be completely honest, I’m not sure whether or not the cancer story is/was real. Yet, as a wise guy friend pointed out, every male has a terminal illness at one point in his dating life in order to cover the insecurities of losing a gal. Low, yes, but I guess I can understand. My problem is the fact there are so many inconsistencies in all of his stories, and I’ve been a bit sceptical about it all for a while now. When I found out that the scepticism was not just me doing a solo dance, that was it.

So I broke up with him. The actual reason was that he was sort of sketching me out at the moment, but I just told him that I just wasn’t ready for another long distance, serious relationship (which really, I’m not). He gets upset, but I didn’t realize to what extent until the next morning.

He “unfriended” me. On Myspace.

And not only did he unfriend me, his buddy who I used to work with followed suit.

Now I’m thinking wow, you’re kidding right? Not even my old buddy David unfriended me after I “ruined his life again” and he responded by threatening to kill me. I honestly don’t care though, it seems quite a bit petty and insane to unfriend a girl after she breaks up with you because she “can’t handle commitment at the moment.”

Needless to say, I’m done. No more stressing over crazy guys, immature assholes, or mixed signals. I’m single, so whatever happens, happens.

Oh boy, this is gonna be good.